Let’s put aside the vast similarities between Percy and Potter, because even without them, Percy Jackson would still be a flimsy franchise. First, the producers were careful to edit out any hint that this might be the first part of a series. The Lightning Thief is decidedly self-contained, even if it doesn’t feel organic to the story. There have been so many one-shot attempts to start fantasy franchises in the past decade (The Golden Compass, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Limony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events) that 20th Century Fox wanted to prepare themselves for failure. But there are just too many plot holes that might be forgiven if we had some hint that more answers would come later.

The story centers on Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), a New York teenager who is falsely accused of stealing Zeus’ lightning bolt. He has lived with his mother (Catherine Keener) unaware of his true father Poseidon (Kevin McKidd), and unaware that all the gods and creatures of Roman mythology are actually real. However, Percy doesn’t seem too impressed by the existence of supernatural creatures, or his own demigod status. But then, he didn’t think too much odd about hearing his father’s voice speak in his mind growing up, or how his mind shifts around Greek letters into English. Exactly why Percy’s identity is kept secret from him until now is never really addressed, other than it’s better for his origin story to find out when the adventure begins.

But Zeus’ lightning bolt is stolen and Zeus assumes Poseidon wants to take over and employed his son to help in usurping the throne. It’s never really said why Zeus doesn’t suspect Hades, who was always the most jilted of the gods, confined to the underworld. But Zeus suspects Percy, and Percy is brought to Half-Blood Camp where he meets other demigods like himself, all teenagers who are bitter about their estrangement from their immortal parents. But as he’s entering camp, his mother is kidnapped by Hades, who will return her in exchange the lightning bolt Percy doesn't have.

The majority of the plot concerns a road trip taken by Percy, the wise-cracking satyr Grover (Brandon T. Jackson), and the beautiful, brainy, and brawny Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), daughter of Athena. They travel to New Jersey, Nasville, and Las Vegas collecting three magic marbles that, when smashed, allow living souls to exit the underworld unharmed. On the way, they battle Medusa with an iPhone, chat with friends on a MacBook Pro, and worship a line-up of products — from Maseratis to flying Converse All-Stars to Fox’s DVD release of The French Connection. These are pure, non-narrative product placements. Let’s take that iPhone: Percy uses it as a mirror to approach Medusa (Uma Thurman) without looking her in the eye. But, as any loyal Apple follower knows, iPhones do not have mirrored backs. Not to mention that these scene has been lifted almost entirely from the original Clash of the Titans.

The highlight of the film involves the trio descending to the underworld (via an opening behind the Hollywood sign) and meeting Hades, dressed like a rock star and played by Steve Coogan, and his adulterous wife Persphone (Rosario Dawson). Still, this is hardly a great sequence, and by no means escapes the overall cheesiness of the story. The entrance to hell looks like the queue area to the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, and all three young leads look quite stupid when they realize – with gasps – that with three magic marbles and four people (the trio and Percy's mother), they cannot bring back everyone as easily as they had planned.

By the end, when we find out the lightning thief’s identity in the climatic battle (shown rather obviously in the trailer), we still don’t know how the lightning bolt was stolen to begin with. After all, Zeus is the most powerful of the gods. He rules the heavens and never sleeps. How could anyone steal his lightning bolt, let alone the character it is revealed to be? Of all the plot holes in Percy Jackson, this is the biggest one.

But the script suffers overall from an uncertainty of tone. It wants to be both a traditional children’s fantasy and a smart satire of such over-the-top films, but these elements conflict rather than play off of one other. The end result is that half of the film seems to be making fun of the other half, each unaware of the other. Add to that a slew of situations that defy the reality of the world, and you’ve got a choppy, plot-holed script that falls apart as you propel through it.

Percy Jackson himself is not a likeable character. Part of this may be his total lack of wonder at discovering a world of magic. Yet, later in the film, he shows that missing astonishment upon seeing Las Vegas for the first time. Who is more impressed with a casino with Roman themes than the actual, mythical palace of the gods? An actor with more self-awareness might play off these faults of the script with humor, but Logan Lerman plays Percy as a spoiled, self-righteous, average teenager. This whole film might have worked if an actor with the gleeful mischievousness of a young Malcolm McDowell were cast instead.

The other young actors were overshadowed by the cameos of older, more accomplished actors. Uma Thurman’s turn as Medusa and Steve Coogan as Hades were among the most memorable of the film. Unfortunately, the more major characters of Zeus and Poseidon were underwhelming.

The filmmaking has the gloss of a major studio family film, but there’s little beyond framing a subject and following action going on here. Chris Columbus missed a huge opportunity to imbue the film with the ethereal beauty of classical artwork, and doesn’t bother capturing the rose-colored dawns or epic beams of light found in traditional Greek depictions. Even if Percy Jackson isn’t awed, the audience at least should have been impressed by what they see. But the set of the Half-Blood demigods looked like leftovers from summer camp, and both the underworld and Mount Olympus were visually bland.

The color scheme of this film is a real mess, especially considering the amount of control Columbus had over the mostly CG backdrops. It feels like Columbus simply used what was there already, rather than stylizing his environments. If he simply wanted to make his fantasy more grounded in the real world, he should have studied Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which deftly portrayed a magical society within a modern, real world. Percy Jackson feels bland, neither magical nor real. The score is unmemorable, and the modern songs chosen are clichéd. Playing Elvis in Vegas? They might as well have played Sinatra when Percy Jackson fights on the Empire State Building.

In a age of spectacular special effects, Percy Jackson doesn’t seem that special. We get Pierce Brosnan as a centaur, Uma Thurman with CG snakes in her hair, and a fleeting glimpse at a Hogwartian Mount Olympus. These effects aren’t bad, they’re just not terribly impressive. And, in a film that constantly draws attention to its effects, we can’t help but be as bored as the teenage demigods who witness them.